Solitude

[ruinofeventide]

 In my house, it is very hard for me to have chances where I can have solitude; to be away from everyone and just recharge my own batteries from dealing with people (and kids) on a daily basis.  There is never a moment in my life where I am alone as someone is always around, and, for some reason, the days where I am alone, I am usually in the mood to actually be around people.  However, there is always someone around, whether it be my husband, the kids, or my sister, and there is almost never a moment to myself.

This weekend, I got burnt out.  I was tired of staying in the house for weeks on end and went thrifting with Drago, my husband, on Friday and then went shopping with a friend on Sunday (who also spent the night with another awesome friend, who happens to be her fiance).  So, basically, I got a lot of dosage of people.

Even now I am not completely alone in my "solitude;" however it is my solitude (or as close to it as I can get).  I am separated from the family (who understands my needs to feel alone at the moment), but the door is wide open so I can help with the kids on moment's notice.  However, I appreciate any solitude I can get.  It is more than I ever get, and I love being able to nap and do what I want without (almost) any interruption.  My brain manages to recharge somehow, despite the children's loud voices and pattering feet, as well as their constant need to come to the door (which has a child gate up) and stare at me from a distance.

Honestly, I wish there was a day I could have just to myself.  A true time of solitude.  A time where there are no children, no people; just me, a good book, my laptop, and warm blankets.  Not worrying about responsibilities that I may have, and children staring at me through doors and over gates.  I have planned many times to have this kind of day; where the children are gone to the grandparents' home and somehow I can be left alone for a short period of time.  I don't need all day to recharge.  Just enough time to myself.

My husband understands my needs for this.  He goes through it too, and he manages to get that solitude every two weeks (and a whole weekend at that).  I envy him.  Even I can't get that much solitude, and am lucky to get an hour or two.  And even then it isn't even really quiet (which I love when I am doing solitude).  There are always voices of children/people, the TV playing a show or movie to entertain the little ones, or a game going on in the background.

I don't need TV, or games, or voices.  Just the sound of pages turning, keys clacking, and the soft glow of a computer screen.  (My husband can't stand it being quiet, and even then he hates not having things to do such as playing a video game or watching something on the TV when the kids aren't here to take it over.)

I know I am a parent.  I know I have responsibilities, but as a person with multiple anxiety disorders, I need my space and my time.  A lot of people in my life don't understand this (namely my in-laws).

I just want solitude.  Why does it have to be so hard?