Silver & Gold

 In my house, it is very hard for me to have chances where I can have solitude; to be away from everyone and just recharge my own batteries from dealing with people (and kids) on a daily basis.  There is never a moment in my life where I am alone as someone is always around, and, for some reason, the days where I am alone, I am usually in the mood to actually be around people.  However, there is always someone around, whether it be my husband, the kids, or my sister, and there is almost never a moment to myself.

This weekend, I got burnt out.  I was tired of staying in the house for weeks on end and went thrifting with Drago, my husband, on Friday and then went shopping with a friend on Sunday (who also spent the night with another awesome friend, who happens to be her fiance).  So, basically, I got a lot of dosage of people.

Even now I am not completely alone in my "solitude;" however it is my solitude (or as close to it as I can get).  I am separated from the family (who understands my needs to feel alone at the moment), but the door is wide open so I can help with the kids on moment's notice.  However, I appreciate any solitude I can get.  It is more than I ever get, and I love being able to nap and do what I want without (almost) any interruption.  My brain manages to recharge somehow, despite the children's loud voices and pattering feet, as well as their constant need to come to the door (which has a child gate up) and stare at me from a distance.

Honestly, I wish there was a day I could have just to myself.  A true time of solitude.  A time where there are no children, no people; just me, a good book, my laptop, and warm blankets.  Not worrying about responsibilities that I may have, and children staring at me through doors and over gates.  I have planned many times to have this kind of day; where the children are gone to the grandparents' home and somehow I can be left alone for a short period of time.  I don't need all day to recharge.  Just enough time to myself.

My husband understands my needs for this.  He goes through it too, and he manages to get that solitude every two weeks (and a whole weekend at that).  I envy him.  Even I can't get that much solitude, and am lucky to get an hour or two.  And even then it isn't even really quiet (which I love when I am doing solitude).  There are always voices of children/people, the TV playing a show or movie to entertain the little ones, or a game going on in the background.

I don't need TV, or games, or voices.  Just the sound of pages turning, keys clacking, and the soft glow of a computer screen.  (My husband can't stand it being quiet, and even then he hates not having things to do such as playing a video game or watching something on the TV when the kids aren't here to take it over.)

I know I am a parent.  I know I have responsibilities, but as a person with multiple anxiety disorders, I need my space and my time.  A lot of people in my life don't understand this (namely my in-laws).

I just want solitude.  Why does it have to be so hard?

Before Tumblr, I was never one to blog.  I felt I never had anything important to say or talk about, and wasn't (and still am not) the kind of person to share a lot of details about their life.  I do not like to talk about when I am sad, upset, or angry as I feel as I would bother those who visit my blog.  I have tried numerous times, before Tumblr, to blog and have tried to on platforms such as Wordpress and Blogger; however, those always fell through.  They were religious themed, based on the religion I had at the time, but they never continued as my life kept changing around me and so did my religion.

In comes Tumblr.  My sister introduces me to it, and the first year, I mainly reblog with a personal and don't really get into the actual blogging aspect.  Time moves on and I decide to make a pagan side blog, and, hence, enter the pagan "community" of tumblr.  Once again, the religious blogs fall through and I go back to my personal blog of just, well, reblogging.  I learn thing from the various tags centered around witchcraft and paganism and such, and so, I keep tracking them and learning.

I have been through many accounts and many blogs.  My very first account is still active (I think), but every time I felt a change was needed I created a new one.  My sister says I am a very "whimsical" and "capricious" (sometimes even mercurial), and I do understand and see what she means.  Nothing has ever been consistent in my life for a long time, so when I found I was on Tumblr for a long time (going on two-three years now, I think), I realized that maybe I found a place I wanted to be and blog.

My entrance and exits in the pagan "community" was common, however, as my beliefs and practices kept changing.  It finally stabilized in July 2013 when I came to my current path.  I have had my religious, pagan blog for a little over six months (which is a long run for me), and I love what I do.  However, being a Pop Culture Pagan, I am met with certain "difficulties" in the pagan "community."  While there are people who understand and accept my lifestyle, there are others who just want to break it down.  I have fought through this.  I refused to let them get to me, and a part of me still doesn't.  However, other factors within the pagan "community" have caused me to re-evaluate why I stay on Tumblr.

I don't feel safe anymore.  Yes, it is my blog, but there will always be people who will reblog and comment negatively about something, skew ideas and concepts, attack someone for a belief they may hold, and none of it educational in the least.  There is drama.  Always drama.  I don't mind learning, and re-evaluating something I say or do, but I have found that a lot of times I am hesitant to even post something because I am not sure if I will word it right to escape backlash, whether it will just get backlash anyway, or something of the sort.  I am scared of posting on my own blog.

I have sat and thought, may times, as to whether I wanted to stay on Tumblr or not; however, I have some wonderful friends on there.  Regardless, I went looking for a blogging platform that wasn't like Tumblr nor Wordpress (where I do have a blog dedicated to my religion as well), as neither seemed to either meet my needs or weren't "user-friendly."  Dreamwidth was recommended after I asked about it, and now here I am.  I still have my blog on Tumblr (of which I am currently on hiatus), and have this place as my safe spot to blog in the meantime when I feel Tumblr has gotten to me too much.

So, welcome everyone to my Dreamwidth blog.